Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Windmills of my Mind

Back in those years in Mexico I used to work in a nearby city, far enough to live a different life, in the beginning traveling back to my home town every two or three weeks but at the end it was less frequent until almost stopped. In one of my last visits to my home town I visited my sister who was living by herself with her two kids by then.
I adored my nephews and I was so patient with them, I remember one occasion I got there quite late at night and one of them was still awake, he was so hyperactive that my strategy was to play with him until he drained off all his energy.
He was jumping from my back going over my shoulders, falling down in my arms and then going on my back to do it again, after a while he was so tired so he would fell down asleep in my arms. I put him in the bed and keep watching at him for a moment. Oh baby, I loved you so much but I was not your father, I mean I had no rights over you at all, I couldn’t decide about you or take care of you. In the other hand my life was a disaster.
The next day I had to go back to work, leaving you with your mother. Needless is to say that she wasn’t prepared to raise two kids either. I did not plan it that way but I felt I abandoned you.
Time passed by and after some years we ended up living here in the United States, I wasted some time but after a while I tried to catch up for the time we lost. When you were attending elementary, you had no direction, going from one school to another, you didn’t care about anything and your brother was so aggressive so I felt guilty. From that moment forward I made a resolution; every meeting with you guys should be a celebration.
I got up early every day to take you to school all the way from middle school to High School even though I was not in the best health condition. I cooked for you from time to time, your table was never empty, I didn’t accept complaints about your mother, she wasn’t the best mother of the world but being honest you were not the best son of the world either.
We had very good time, laughter, happiness. What a great feeling I knew all your friends I could say knew them better than their parents. You even introduce me to you first girlfriend. We watched movies together, we laughed a lot with that “Rudo y Cursi”; without intention I became “El Tio Cool”.
I took you to play soccer when you wanted, and surprise! You were so talented in soccer, God knows you were but you did not embrace that talent not even with such achievements, you did not pursue any goal after you graduated. You’ll never know but I was so, so mad at you. As far as today, I still do not know how to deal with this feeling.
You think I am disappointed at you for some other reasons but it’s not that. Maybe if you were a person with no talents at all I wouldn’t fell so frustrated. In that case I’d understand, after all nobody crop pears from an oak tree. I just pray God to release me from this feeling and accept the way you decided to live your life.
Yesterday when I got to your sister’s house you were leaving while I was arriving, you said “Hello Tio” with such love in you words, I said “Hey” and said to myself I love you too, got into the house immediately. Your sister told me that her daughter was playing with you in the yard until she felt asleep in the jumping play house, just the way you felt asleep when you were a kid. I know you love her as much as I did to you, still do. This whole scenario is so familiar that I just pray God not to repeat the same story.
My mind is going on circles and I don’t find peace in my mind, eventually I will. Just like my father did at the end. Because I have to confess I did so many things I should be ashamed of, I don’t know why I’m so hard on you. I have to think about my father to ease my feeling about you.
One thing I am so sure about my father. He loved me so much until the last day, just the way I love you.
Love, Laughter, Happiness, Disappointment, Anger, Circles, Circles, Circles, Love, Laughter, Happiness, Disappointment, Anger, Circles, Circles, Circles. Never ending or beginning in an ever ending reel.

I do not what the hell I am doing, posting in English when I barely know how to write in Spanish! It’s just that I didn’t know how to start. Yah I’m a bilingual illiterate, ouch!! 

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